The Big "C' Word and Elephant Noises

We have made a few changes.  I love my family and friends and feel like sharing what is going on is more important right now than worrying about privacy (can't have both with blogger).  So our blog won't be private for a while so that everyone can follow along with us in our new adventure.  With that said I have removed the comments for now.  I really appreciate all of the support we have received in the last few days.

Medically:
Wednesday we got a phone call from our doctor.  I love our doctor, he's been great.  He said that the results came back and that it was cancer.  The cancer is called muco-epidermal carcinoma.  There are 3 levels: low (acts benign), intermediate (can't classify in low or advanced) and advanced (actively spreading throughout the body).  He thought it might be low but was surprised to find it intermediate.  When he removed the tumors, he checked the nerve, blood and lymph nodes and they all tested negative for the cancer.  Meaning the margins were zero and it hasn't spread or moved into the advanced level.  But it only takes one mutated cell that he missed for this thing to occur all over again.  And given my age my doctor advised us to get multiple opinions and to go see a radiologist.  So this week we have been meeting with a lot of doctors and trying to make the big decision of whether we should do radiation.  There is no more swelling so the droopiness that I have in my smile is here to stay for a while.  That doesn't mean that I might never get my full speech and smile back though.

Now for the emotional side of it.  Facing the big "C" word is hard.  I didn't bounce back like I thought I could.  That kind of news shakes up everything you believed in, thought you could have in life and kind of just slaps you in the face really.  You desperately hold on to the few "rocks" that you have in life.  The most important rock I found within my grasp is my husband.  Man, has this pulled us together faster and quicker than even moving across the country together to some unknown place with unknown people.  I would rather go through this, than him right now with his demanding school schedule.  After we got over the whole "Elephant in the room," shell shock stage, we have really learned exactly when to step in and lift or laugh with the other person.  When to change the subject.  And when to just sit down, talk, and cry.  Ok let's be honest, he hasn't cried yet . . . that one is me!!!!  I also love that my child is clueless.  Throwing myself into my mothering responsibilities has really helped.  The second rock I have found is family.  It took a few days to be able to call each of them and let them know.  Who wants to re-live that over and over again!  But the support was really needed and it made me confident in myself in being able to share it with you now.  Please don't be offended if you didn't know.  We didn't want to tell people over and over again and doing so wasn't helping me move on emotionally.  Then after a much needed email from my uncle I learned one very important lesson.  The only rock that can not just comfort but provide a remedy is my Savior.

Spiritually:
I have been reading Believing in Christ- I swear it isn't the same book I knew in high school.  And every time I find myself tearing up I realize that my perspective is all wrong.  The only thing that matters in this world is my relationship with my Savior.  This (cancer) isn't a matter of what God has just given me as a trial.  It's a matter of how he can help me as a partner get through this stepping stone.  Now he can't promise me anything in the end or during this adventure unless I am trying my hardest in every aspect.  That means, physically with radiation and x-rays and all the related side effects . . . emotionally pulling myself up with these rocks . . . and spiritually developing enough faith to deserve any mercy or grace in the end.

So you better believe that I'm fighting this one as hard as I can.  Now the other piece of amazing advice that I received is to be open and honest.  This one is hard, maybe the hardest.  But I hope that through these journaling entries and blog posts I can get past my fear of other's opinions and opening up and can just enjoy normal life.  I want my life to still be happy and full of laughter.  I didn't want to tell people because (A) the sympathy makes me feel like "poor me" and (B) the elephant will come back.  Life goes on with or without you so I want to smile and laugh and enjoy it; not dwell on the past or what could have been.

Life has continued.

So here are a few pictures and memories that we have had this week.  She has many adorable boyfriends! Here are 2!

My child found out how to blow her lips and make an elephant noise.  The louder the noise the more bored she is.  She could possible have blisters on her lips.

Church basketball: We are 2-0!!!!!!!!

And a hideous before picture of my first cake for my cake decorating class I'm taking.  Pretty sure me and my friend are the only ones taking it that aren't currently decorating cakes for a living!  It was still fun though.

Very embarrassed but just you wait for the "after my class" picture!
And here is the video for the week.  There are some of her favorite things!

These are a few of my favorite things from Nicole Gneiting on Vimeo.