Perspective vs. Fear and The First Hair Cut!

Anything to do with medical issues takes FOREVER!  I guess that just shows you how naive I am with this whole thing.  I thought we would have made some significant decisions by now.  Here is a recap of what happened this week.

Monday we met with our surgeon.  He was impressed with how fast I was recovering from my surgery (which isn't saying a lot cause all of his patients are like 90)!  He informed us that he had to remove the salory gland and that was the reason for the indent by my ear.  He also told us (once again) that the tumors definitely weren't a low grade cancer and that he thought I should do radiation.  At the end of my appointment (I had come to the emotional conclusion that I was going to go through radiation) I very seriously asked him if I was his daughter, would he do radiation.  He said, "without a doubt, YES."  So Dev and I felt good about this conclusion.  Next we went to the radiologist to schedule the prep and actual radiation.

Wednesday we met with the radiologist and he informed us that he thought the negative effects of radiation outweighed the positive results we would receive from radiation.  He had just finished treating an individual with the same cancer last week and said that he had never treated anyone with this cancer unless it was an advanced grade cancer.  Every oncologist and radiologist in this valley is associated with this cancer facility.  It is one of the best.  After we discussed my age, the specific side effects and options he decided to take my case to the board.  He has never had to deal with this cancer in someone in their 20's.  So a couple surgeons, radiologist, oncologist, etc. will discuss my case on Tues and they will call me with their decision.  Our second opinion is scheduled for his Friday.

So basically, in summary . . . we haven't made any decisions and are really tore still.

I don't want to feel like I haven't done everything in my power to fight this but at the same time I want to trust what they are saying and believe that this will never come back (for another 80 years!) and I don't need to worry about this anymore.

I can't tell you how much your emails have meant to us.  We really appreciate all of the family fasting today for us also.  We have felt comforted the last few days and owe it to a lot of family, friends and our Savior.

I stopped praying that this cancer will go away, never coming back and started praying for comfort in our decisions.  I just want to feel normal again.  To feel like I can do anything and have all of the same goals I did before.  I appreciate the perspective I have now, but not the fear.  The perspective has made us say "I love you," more each day, hug a little longer, and hold on to each other every night.  It's helped us read our scriptures and try to remember our temple covenants each day.  But the fear has created that never-ending anxiety . . . which spirals into the "what if," situations.  Controlling the fear and keeping the perspective is what I have learned emotionally this week.

We have done a lot of this . . . this week!  Waiting for Spring and dad!

These pants are way too long!

Caught red-handed!  She is always desperate to get a hold of the jar and spoon!  

And this isn't the best picture of me!  But we got our first hair cut.  What hair you say?  The 5 pieces of hair that have grown 6 inches long right above both ears.

Here is our video for this week:

laughing from Nicole Gneiting on Vimeo.

Well that is all for us!