*Disclaimer - I'm grateful for many things right now. I'm happy no matter how negative I sound! I hope to remember what we are facing right now and remember the lessons that I've learned. I guess that is my thesis for the following:
Stress is a frivolous emotion exuded when you try to control things you can't.
All four years of dental school I knew that right now would be a stressful time in our lives. Then as the year got closer a few events proved to us that our accusations of these 6 months would be more severe than we thought! Let's list what needs to be accomplished by May:Stress is a frivolous emotion exuded when you try to control things you can't.
-introduce a new personality and feel sucessful as a mom of 2 children
-Potty training and sleeping habits
-All written exams and boards passed through state and school
-NERBS - semi-national boards passed
-perio, (I think endo), and restorative national boards passed for judges
-senior class project presented
-All of Dev's requirements met - he has to do so many root canals, dentures, and fillings to graduate
-Sell our house - hopefully by owner, if not in time to be moved and not pay 2 mortgages
-Find a rental wherever we get a job in time for Dev's job to start and hopefully by July
-Find a job - one of the most stressful - includes applying to places we both like, flying across the country for multiple interviews ($$$ :( )
-Have enough cash to pay for these unforeseen obstacles
-Move across the country after graduation
-Pack up the house in an organized fashion and pack so we can live for 2 months without our packed stuff
-leave some friendships we have really cherished, places/activities we just adore and memories we have made
For some reason when I listed everything off it makes me feel stronger! Here is what we have done and have yet to do:
We are under contract with someone selling our house by owner. It passed inspections and negotiations, and we are waiting on the appraisal this week. The couple is cute and we trust them. I think it will go through the end of Feb and we will be renting from them till the end of May. Hopefully.
Stress
I can't control if these buyers go through with the contract. All I can do is keep my house clean when they want to come visit it again, for inspections, radon, appraisal and the closing company keeps coming over to grade our house! I decided to just look at the positive. We are under contract and I'm not keeping the house spotless for showings anymore - killing hours in the car with 2 kids is hard!
Dev has his restorative boards the second week of Feb. Surprise - I have a perfect cavity for one of his boards!
Stress
This Dev can control and is causing the most amount of stress. I know he will do great!
I feel comfortable as a mom of 2 but potty training and sleeping habits are another story. I can't for the life of me get Brynlee to go through the night consistently dry. It's about 50%. She is in underwear no problem during the day (usually). Don't get me started on sleeping. It takes about 1-2 hours to get her asleep. Then she naps for 2-3 hours and sleeps at night for about 10 hours. I've tried everything.
Stress
I had to realize that those 2 things are out of my control now and stressing does nothing but make me more mad. So she will learn to be dry and sleep when she wants and I need to focus on keeping our relationship sweet instead of having a successful child. I should be focusing on her talents and not her weaknesses and make sure she knows I love her no matter what she does.
Now comes the last few weeks. I had surgery. There are a few things that I hate feeling. You know when you experience pain and for a while you don't feel like you can breathe in all the way. You are hunched over and slow to do everything. I couldn't put on my socks, lived in my Grandma dress, and let my mothering skills go to pot. I have relied on friends and family and couldn't have gone through the last few weeks if it wasn't for their selflessness, dinners and phone calls. Julie came out and took over. Cooking, cleaning, disciplining, rocking Callen, serving the incapacitated me, etc. I cried when I heard she was coming and I cried when she left. I hate it when it takes something this big to humble me. It has brought back horrible memories of cancer and how fragile your health can be.
Stress
My mom and dad did teach me that when trials come always try to learn the lesson quickly. Lessons learned: 1-health is fragile and just cause I'm in remission doesn't mean I should stop thanking God every night for a healthy body and spirit.2-I need to serve more and be thinking of others. 3-sometimes when I just can't I need to ask for comfort. 4-stepping back and having an eternal perspective. 5-handle problems one at a time. 6-word of wisdom. I can't control how fast I recover. I feel like it's a ticking time bomb - that the whole world is spinning around me and I can't even get off my bed. But honestly if I do my best to stay healthy there are still some things (like being able to bend over) that I can control and will just need to be patient for the rest. I've adapted to doing everything I need to and only going down stairs 2-3 times a day, or nursing different positions or eating and sleeping 2 times more to recover. And that is all I can do. The pain will subside. The memories will go away and eventually life will resume. This stress has required an entire step back on life. I have to remember that in 6 months I"ll look back at this as a stepping stone.
Callen has been really sick. I think he got what Brynlee had a few weeks ago. I don't know why but sickness drives me mad. It makes me deteriorate with stress faster than anything else. I take them to the doctor way too much, I make irrational decisions and I pray for their health more than anything.
Stress
Again, I can't control Callen getting better. We are trying everything and I'm trying my best to give him all the nutrients, humidity, medicine, saline drops, clean cloths, cool cloths. Then I need to stop stressing.
Basically I need to turn my problems over to the Lord and realize that time doesn't stop. It will keep going whether I'm happy, sad, stressed or living in the moment. So I can make all of these things positive stepping stones or negative stumbling blocks. Oh and I think I got a little whispering from the spirit yesterday that said:
"Why are you complaining, it's only going to get harder." Not quite the reassurance that I wanted but so true. Life just gets harder and I'm sure in 2 months I'll look back and laugh!
Sorry no pictures or videos - we've been laying low lately.
9 comments:
Oh Nicole I am so sorry about all the stress going on in your life! Having to deal with all of that at once must be so HARD. Just know all of these hard things are expanding your capacity for bigger/greater things ahead. Sending prayers your way!
I hear you! There are so many things to STRESS US OUT right now and you have more than most with your surgery. :( I keep praying/hoping that I just don't completely fall apart this year. Not falling apart = success for me this year!
i'm glad to know that you're a normal person too- i was beginning to think you were perfect! hang in there, it might get harder BUT "there was never a cloud the sun didnt shine through" GOOD LUCK!
Nicole you go above and beyond as a Mom. You have nothing to stress about! haha funny sentence coming from me, Miss stress case. Seriously though, Story still soaks her pull-ups at night. I plan on that happening until she is at least 7 :) or 8. Luke wet the bed until he was 16 soooo. haha kidding. Awesome news about the house! I hope it works out. Miss you and hope you are feeling better.
I think that you are doing great. I tell people all the time about my amazing big sister that has done this and this and this and how much I look up to her. I know I don't know what I am saying because I have not been there but I hear it from everyone " Its going to be ok, Brynlee will be just fine in a wet bed everyone once in a while, Callen will be so much stronger and resilient after he gets this bug through his system!" I can't imagine what boards and tests are like but I do know a little something about a husband trying to find a job (6+ months) and it is stressful but looking back some of our favorite times came during that unemployment! Your family and friends know you are amazing and a trooper for all the random medical things you have been through. and NOBODY could have done such an amazing job getting through what you have and doing all that you have done through it all. So keep on going. What you are saying is your stress and lack of is my hopes to become! :) We know you can do it! Chin up-you've got it! And I think that yes Heavenly Father said: "Stop complaining its only going to get harder...and these trials now are going to help you thrive and succeed in the ones to come" :) Its a cheat sheet for later!
a little too personal for a blog maybe :) But we love you!
Oh Nicole... I feel your pain!! I'm so sorry you had to go through a whole new recovery. I think about having to do that right now and I think I'd just die. I'm sure you handled it MUCH better than I could! And like you said, in another month you'll look back and think it really wasn't that bad. But going through it is the pits! You really are amazing and do far more than most moms dream of! So chalk that up for somethin!
Hang in there momma! You are doing amazing! Just a thought: Bree is not able to keep her bed dry at night most nights. Her sleep specialist said that some children like bree with extremely high metabolic rates produce greater quantities of urine at a higher rate and really are not physically capable of holding it all night. He told us not to worry about her staying dry at night until she is at least six. You know your child best, but some kids don't have the bladder capacity yet. And that doesn't mean you failed at potty training. :)
Nicole, you are amazing...seriously, I am amazed at all you accomplish. I know the stress you feel - we are looking at jobs/moving with graduation in August too and I just wish I could peel back the curtain and peek into the future. I hate limbo! And I agree with Jaclyn about the wetting at night...Max still wets at night but I have learned to not fret about it. I just put him back in a diaper/pull up at night and it's fine! Maude also wears a diaper and sometimes wakes up dry, sometimes wet. I say if she is dry all day then she is potty trained, don't worry about the night and don't be too hard on yourself...you are an amazing mother!
Nicole,
I have one child who is almost six that has been potty trained for nearly 4 years and as desperately as we both want it struggles still to stay dry through the night. It just happens while she sleeps. It is not a big deal and it does not mean that you or Brynlee are doing something wrong. I really hope we get to see you guys sometime this year... maybe you should find a job in Portland :)
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